Mathematics Jokes
A collection of mathematics jokes is presented below. A larger collection can be found in my book The Maths Joke Book, which is available here.
A man who has an abacus as a friend has a friend he can count on.
While most puns make me feel numb, mathematics puns make me feel number.
Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Most vampires are rubbish at maths unless you Count Dracula.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t do it, but they can prove that it can be done.
How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?
It really doesn’t matter, since they’d rather knot.
Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?
Because they were right for each other.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
Because his parents wouldn’t cosine.
What did Archimedes’ wife say to him before he took his bath?
“You reeka!”
What kind of mathematics do owls like?
Owlgebra.
Which type of equation describes a parrot that won’t eat?
A poly-no-meal.
What is the fundamental principle of engineering mathematics?
Every function has a convergent Taylor series which can be truncated after the linear term.
What’s the highest number in group theory?
A belian.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lemma.
Lemma who?
Lemma in – it’s raining!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
A student as smart as could be
Had to integrate x to the 3.
He said, “x to the 4
Over 4, I am sure”
But was off by a constant of c.
A calculus teacher walks into a bar and orders a lemonade.
The bartender says, “Can I get you something stronger?”
The calculus teacher replies, “Sorry, but I can’t drink and derive.”
An angle of 120° walks into a bar and accidentally sets fire to a stool.
The bartender says, “How can you be so obtuse?”
At a party for mathematical functions, ex is sitting at the bar, looking despondent.
The barman says, “Why don’t you go and integrate?”
ex replies, “It would not make any difference.”
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me ten times the number of drinks that everyone in here is drinking.”
The bartender replies, “That, my friend, is an order of magnitude.”
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are staying in an old hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a metal bin from his room with water, throws the whole binful onto the fire, and extinguishes it. He then goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. After a brief calculation, he extinguishes the fire using the metal bin from his room and the minimum amount of water needed for this task. Then he goes back to bed.
Later still, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway, sees a fire, and also sees a metal bin in his room. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and he goes back to bed.
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a street café, watching people entering and leaving a nearby house. First they see two people entering the house. A few minutes later, they notice three people leaving the house.
The physicist says, “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist says, “They must have reproduced.”
The mathematician says, “If exactly one person now enters, the house will be empty again.”
A boy says to his father, “Dad, will you do my maths homework for me tonight?”
The father says, “No, son, it wouldn’t be right.”
The boy replies, “Well, you could try anyway.”
Theorem: The number 2 does not exist.
Proof: Clearly, 2 is finite. Also, there are infinitely many prime numbers, but the only even prime number is 2. This makes 2 very odd. But it is impossible for a finite number to be both even and odd. Therefore, 2 does not exist.
Cat Theorem: A cat has nine tails.
Proof: No cat has eight tails.
A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.